The Mommy Room is excited to welcome Erica as a guest blogger for The Mommy Room! October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Erica's story is inspiring and definitely shows that God always has a plan for us. I encourage each reader to remember Erica & Adam in their prayers as they begin this new journey.
If I could describe my life in one sentence it would be, "my life didn't go as planned." If my life had gone as planned, I would be giving my toddler a bath while my infant cried for yet another feeding time. Instead, the only noise I hear is the TV on in the background and my dog snoring.
My husband and I just celebrated our three year anniversary. Three years ago we became our own family with just the two of us. Just a few months into our marriage we both agreed that we wanted children right away. A few months turned into a year. Each test continued to bave a blank space. I hid my pain under a fake smile. I hid the anxiety and depression under a peppy voice. For eighteen months we struggled alone. We were too scared to get help because we were fearful of the truth that something could be wrong.
One morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test like it was routine, except this time, it was different. There was that second line for eighteen months I dreamt of. In that moment I became a mom. My life was turned completely upside down when I woke up one morning to find that my body was getting rid of the one thing my heart wanted so badly. When I held that test with tear filled eyes, I fell in love with someone I would never get the chance to meet.
Over the course of six months, I would have that heartbreak not once, but three times. Three times I fell to my knees in the bathroom floor praising God at that positive test. Three times I would fall to the same floor from my world shattering and my body in pain. With every medical test available for my husband and I, they all came back without an answer. The title "unexplained infertility and pregnancy loss" were now part of our description. I quickly became someone I was not proud of. For months I questioned my worth, faith, and the love God had for me.
During these trying times, I began to open up about my story. I became someone who inwardly struggled to someone who boldfully shared her every feeling, desire, and heartache on social media. The bad, the very bad, the good and the great. I learned a lot about myself, but more about God. I was able to see His grace in times I didn't deserve it. I could see His love in times I wasn't very loveable. I could see his promises in times it wasn't very promising. Not only did God give me the strength to keep pushing, he gave me the courage to be vulnerable and tell our story. He gave us the support system who lifted us, encouraged us, and prayed for us.
After almost three years of this journey, we are starting a new journey. The journey of adoption.
Back at the beginning of summer I felt this constant grab at my heart for adoption, but I kept shrugging it off. I never felt led to adopt; why now? Why did I all the sudden see faces of children and wonder about the millions who don't have homes? Why did YouTube videos of adoption stories keep popping up while I was online? Why was my heartache for my unborn child becoming less and the heartache for others becoming more? I kept all of these to myself because I was fearful I wasn't going to make the decision God wanted. What if these emotions and signs weren't from God? One day a commercial came on the TV about orphans and in between sobs I said, "I want to adopt." Adam was sitting on the other end of the couch and turned his attention toward me and said, "So do I." It was like my life had changed instantly. I felt like right in that moment, our story started a new chapter.
Adoption isn't our second option. It isn't our fall back plan. We are whole heartedly trusting and believing that God is going to lead us to a child that He has created with our family in mind. He is fully equipping us to be the very best parents He created us to be.
I have had several people say, "You were so against adoption, why are you doing it now?" I was never "against" adoption. Truthfully, I was against changing what I had planned for my life. I was against giving up the fight of infertility. I was against giving up my dream of what I thought my life and family should be like for years. I was against giving up my type A personality and all control.
The more God put adoption on my heart, the more I thought about what my final goal is. Is my goal to be pregnant, or is my goal to become a mother? My goal is to be a mom and how I get that title isn't important. I also thought about how we are adopted into the Kingdom of God. He adopted us when we were orphans. He loves us, takes care of us, forgives us, encourages us, and has created the most fulfilling life for us. Not because He "had to" but because He loves us. He will never leave us nor forsake us. He is our Father.
Whatever challenge you are facing today, I encourge you to use it to the glory of God. Only he can make such deep wounds into a beautiful scar that reminds you of your past, but promises you, your future. It isn't easy and it isn't always painless. I would never have reached out to hundreds of people without sharing my pain. I would never have met wonderful people all over the world from keeping the burdens to myself. And I would have never been able to boldly talk about God's love for me without my struggle.
We ask for prayers during this journey. It's going to be a long one, but worth every second to finally hold our dear sweet baby in our arms.
Follow our journey on our Facebook page.
If you feel led to help them through their journey, you can do so at their Go Fund Me Page